Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Writing is like running for me..

...You know you're going to feel good once you get going or when you finish, but man, those first couple of steps are a major undertaking. I enjoy writing. I enjoy running (or physical activities). Both are things I always have to get myself revved up to do. I have to sit here and talk myself into it. Someone reading this might think, "If its such an effort, why do you do it?" Because of the joy I get when I've completed what I set out to do. The process is great, too, don't get me wrong. Once I get going, I'm all in.

Despite that, those first steps are a constant struggle. With running, and writing to a degree, its just laziness. I think with writing though and not running, it is some inherent desire to underachieve. Makes no sense, right?

I've noticed in my life that there are points when I freeze up or turn to run the opposite direction. Fear of commitment? Maybe in some ways (though I'm quite happily married, fyi).. I think its more a desire to see that things don't change. Sort of like I'm afraid of change. Once I do change, its all good, but getting there is a struggle with myself.

Writing is a struggle with myself. I fear the failure as much as the success. When I write something and send it off, I am all hope and joy and nervous anticipation. When I sit down to put idea to paper and flesh things out, I'm just nervous.

An author I've been reading, Diana Pharaoh Francis (Crosspoint Novels/Fantasy), makes a statement in the very first book I read by her, "You are what you pretend to be." That's pretty poignant. That pretty much sums up what I feel about myself, like I'm the great pretender. I love writing. I would happily spend every single day of my life doing (almost!) nothing but. Even so, opening that file and picking up where I left off or facing a blank page...

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