...You know you're going to feel good once you get going or when you finish, but man, those first couple of steps are a major undertaking. I enjoy writing. I enjoy running (or physical activities). Both are things I always have to get myself revved up to do. I have to sit here and talk myself into it. Someone reading this might think, "If its such an effort, why do you do it?" Because of the joy I get when I've completed what I set out to do. The process is great, too, don't get me wrong. Once I get going, I'm all in.
Despite that, those first steps are a constant struggle. With running, and writing to a degree, its just laziness. I think with writing though and not running, it is some inherent desire to underachieve. Makes no sense, right?
I've noticed in my life that there are points when I freeze up or turn to run the opposite direction. Fear of commitment? Maybe in some ways (though I'm quite happily married, fyi).. I think its more a desire to see that things don't change. Sort of like I'm afraid of change. Once I do change, its all good, but getting there is a struggle with myself.
Writing is a struggle with myself. I fear the failure as much as the success. When I write something and send it off, I am all hope and joy and nervous anticipation. When I sit down to put idea to paper and flesh things out, I'm just nervous.
An author I've been reading, Diana Pharaoh Francis (Crosspoint Novels/Fantasy), makes a statement in the very first book I read by her, "You are what you pretend to be." That's pretty poignant. That pretty much sums up what I feel about myself, like I'm the great pretender. I love writing. I would happily spend every single day of my life doing (almost!) nothing but. Even so, opening that file and picking up where I left off or facing a blank page...